reductio ad infinitum

i'm falling apart, barely breathing
with a broken heart, that's still beating
in the pain, is there healing
in your name, i find meaning
so i'm holding on, i'm holding on, i'm holding on....
i'm barely holding on to you...

Every human being is responsible for their own actions and life choices.  An individual should have the right to do as they wish with their life. Societies, religions, etc, are just forms of control to make sure everyone fits into the norm.  But noone is really 'normal'.  I am not.  Are you?

All times are based on local time.

July:
9/7/07 - leave Auckland, 1.10pm, arrive HK 10pm
10 - 12/7/07 - shopping around HK
13/7/07 - leave HK 6pm, arrive Vancouver 4pm
14 - 15/7/07 - explore Vancouver
16/7/07 - Jasper
17/7/07 - explore Jasper, Banff
18 - 19/7/07 - Canmore
20/7/07 - travel to Seattle,WA, through Idaho
21/7/07 - premium outlet shopping
22/7/07 - explore Seattle
23/7/07 - back to Vancouver, leave Vancouver 3pm, arrive Toronto 12midnight
24/7/07 - Toronto - chinese medicine doctor
25/7/07 - day of rest & little bit of shopping
26/7/07 - day with Auntie Ping
27/7/07 - resting in Toronto
28/7/07 - one-day tour of Niagara Falls and Ice Wine Winery
29/7/07 - church in Toronto
30/7/07 - leave Toronto 1pm, arrive Vancouver 3pm, leave Vancouver 6pm
31/7/07 - arrive HK 10pm

August:
1 - 5/8/07 - HK
6 - 13/7/07 - China Tour: Beijing, Hangzhou, Suzhou, Shanghai.
14 - 18/7/07 - HK, rest
19 - 22/7/07 - Taiwan Tour: Taipei.
23/7/07 - HK Disneyland
24 - 25/7/07 - HK, final stretch
26/7/07 - leave HK 9pm
27/7/07 - arrive Auckland 12midday

I was feeling so sick in my stomach from about 5am the morning I was leaving Auckland... and I think that was the precursor to my homesickness that settled in shortly after taking off on my flight to HK.  I remember looking down at Auckland, and realising that I could physically see the distance between West Harbour and Musick Point, the distance I always used to complain about for taking away half my life... and seeing that it really is nothing compared to the great expanse of ocean we subsequently flew over.  It's so weird seeing the world as you do via google-earth, only it's not on a computer screen, but through two layers of glass.

Anyways, I felt slightly better when I remembered the song "Somewhere out there" from An American Tale, the cutest and sweetest movie ever, that reminds us that no matter how far we feel from our loved ones, we really are not that far at all, because we all live underneath the same big sky.  I discovered that our plane was flying slower than the earth was rotating cus the sun managed to get away from us and night settled in.  I remember looking up and gasping at the amazing amount of stars I could see up there, with absolutely zero light pollution.  It really was like the astronomy textbooks, there are like, 10x more stars than we can see up on Musick Point on a fine night.

This whole night thing happened after we had crossed the equator, because while I looked and marvelled at the beautifully lit sky, I had this immense feeling of doom set in as I noticed that I could not recognise any of the stars in the sky... And the realisation that we are indeed NOT living underneath the same big sky kinda made the homesickness come back.  I am no longer under the close protection of my beloved Southern Sky... I am now under the Northern Sky.

But that's alright, cus not too long after my stomach started doing flip-flops, we were descending into HK, and once we passed the layer of clouds, my distaste of the unfamiliar sky vanished as light pollution wiped out all the stars the sky has to offer.  This is why HK does not breed any astronomers, I think.  There is absolutely nothing to inspire them.  All they can do is read about the fantastic night sky in textbooks... it doesn't exist for them irl.

Anyhoo.  What I've come to discover is that living in a concrete city is not so bad.  Sure it's fucking hot and I feel like I'm going to faint everywhere I go... but the city lights are absolutely beautiful when you are high on a plane.

When we touched ground tho, the sinking feeling started again.  Everything here moves at an extra-fast pace.  Noone ever stops to smell the roses, and it's sad really.  There are billboards here that are bigger than NZ's biggest "sky scrapers".  The more I venture into this new world, the more I crave for the simplicity of suburban Auckland.  The fact that I can't breathe here doesn't help me in liking the place, as it just constantly gives me a panicky feeling that it may trigger my panic attacks again.  Good thing I have a huge supply of drugs with me.  Which is currently not helping with my apparently allergy to HK.  I'm swollen and itchy with rashes everywhere... it's really unpleasant, but oh well, I'll learn to live.

Walking through the streets I also discovered a couple of things.  Everyone here is so.... ordinary... and ugly.  Seriously, there is absolutely noone here that is spectacular and can stand out.  Only once in a while you see a hot non-Asian and you secretly fantasise that you look the way you feel on the inside, not one of the crowd, but an outsider, someone who doesn't belong in this little-but-big world.  I think the only thing that makes me stand out here (and makes ppls look at me) is that I'm taller than 90% of the population.  Seriously, I've never seen so many tops-of-heads before in my life.  Now I know what Laurence gets to live with everyday.  It's kinda strange.  Oh and it could also be due to the fact that I'm the only female on this continent that is not a size zero.

I also learned first hand that the Chinese culture is really a very very collectivist culture... and it's kinda strange for me, but totally understandable.  I can understand all the mentality of it, but it's never occured to me that I am supposed to be part of this culture.  I think that growing up in a Western individualist culture has torn me into two.  I feel like it's my duty to be a number in my collectivist inheritance, but also that an individualist mentality is what I've grown to value (and learned to apply practically)... but you really can't be in both categories, you gotta choose.  And right now, I'm not sure I know where I belong.

for a recount of the event, please visit William's Blog

for more photos and a recount of the event, please visit Tommy's Blog

I will not be posting a recount of the event myself because I simply don't remember enough of it. *smiles sheepishly*

Anyways, I will be leaving on Monday (9th July) so I expect you all to email me so I still feel loved. Ty. <3

I think I'm falling in love.
All over again. But slowly.

Not with my puppy, no, I'm already in love with him, don't need to fall in love with that male any more than he deserves. :P

I'm talking about the world. Yes, I'm falling in love with the world, all over again. I think this is probably the best solution for my current problem. It's not hard really. All you gotta do is go outside today and look at the beautifully cloudless sky, cold as it might be, but the sunshine beaming on you just warms your heart, and you can feel the butterflies flutter like you're falling in love for the first time.

And falling in love with the world is not all that different to falling in love with a person. You open your eyes, and your mind, and you get to know them on a personal, first-person basis. And you learn to accept the good and the bad. Yes, they'll have bad days, be temperamental, grumpy from work, insensitive to your needs and feelings... But then there are the good days, when you feel like a Queen in their presence, that noone on earth could possibly treat you better, and you're just so happy to be alive, and to be near them at that very moment, in the most intimate embrace. All you gotta do, is make those little good things matter more than those big bad things. When you love them, you realise that perfection doesn't exist, and you take the good and the bad, unconditionally.

It feels like being a child all over again, seeing the world for the first time, smelling it, feeling it, all fresh sensations. But the difference is, I'm not falling for it like a child. I'm falling like an adult. It's like when you've had relationships before, and got your heart totally broken. But once you've matured a bit, you eventually pick up the pieces and open yourself to love again. You meet someone else, and start all over again, but this time, with the knowledge and experience of the last one, so the schemata guide you to fall more carefully and properly this time round.

Yep, I'm falling in love with the world, all over again. Properly, this time without the naivety of never having my heart broken before. And it feels good, feels like I'm on top of the world and I can fly. Feels like I can actually... Smile.

Somehow ndeva thinks I'm doing a Cert of Proficiency. I don't even know what that is. Hmm. Oh well. o.O

I'm not sure what to write right now. Don't have much going on I suppose, except just all stressed out with the organisation for my 21st... I just want to it to be perfect. Being a perfectionist and all... But everything seems to be screwing up the more I want to control it... so maybe I should just settle for mediocre. But that's not me! Negative Perfectionism, I believe, is what's driving me, and driving me to madness too.

Discovered not-so-random things that may hold the key to many answers. However, facing problems is also more painful than running. Especially if facing the problem doesn't promise a solution, and could potentially make things more painful. Eh... Life is fascinating like that isn't it? Really gotta hate it. I mean, love it. Yes, always look on the bright side of life.

Oh and did I mention EXAMS ARE OVER WOOPWOOPWOOP!! Finally... my undergrad studies are all done.... now what to do with my life? o.O

So here is the interlude between the two acts of my exam period.  I've had two exams now. One on monday and another this morning.  They weren't too bad.  It's amazing how much one can write about what they have absolutely no knowledge in.  But then, I suppose people do it everyday when they discuss life, or just mundane everyday things - we really know next-to-nothing about what we're doing.  One of the reasons why children (and adults) fail to plan is because we tend to take the first step before thinking how we should do something.  Guess we're all just running around in the dark.

Just on a side note.  Did you know that a peanut is really no nut at all! I got bored during my study for Anthro and was being hammered by the curiosity of where peanuts came from.  So i went to good-ole faithful wiki and discovered that peanuts do not come from a tree like nuts should, but that it's a legume! a legume!! They're closer to potatoes than they are to pistachios! shocking isn't it?

Yes, this is the extent of excitement in my life right now.  Depressing isn't it?  Well, I suppose studying isn't such a bad thing.  You end up (hopefully) with a degree, that will hopefully lead you to somewhere good.  Honestly though, I would have to say that I did enjoy the last semester - even with the minimal social life, and constant assignments... It's kept me busy, which is a thing I really need in my life right now.  Everyday all I could do was think about what assignment/test is due next.  Never having time to stop and contemplate the meaning of life.  As soon as the assignments ceased, I slipped and fell.  But that's ok, I'm busy again.  And hopefully as soon as exams are over, I'll be so busy planning my 21st and then my overseas trip that I won't be able to think then either.  Fingers crossed.

Anyways, that's all you're gonna hear from me till exams are over.  5 days to study for 3 exams.  Then at 4.30pm (or earlier, though very unlikely given the pain of art history exams) on the 22nd June, I'm free. If I pass. Until some crazy post-grad course will accept me. :D